Be FrEe To FlY

random thoughts

bernice_simin@yahoo.com.sg — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 09:50:14 GMT

The weather this few days is oddly similar to Amsterdam's! It was so gloomy in Amsterdam last November. I remember coz the weather made me gloomy. The sun only came out 5 times then!

My father made me cup noodles this afternoon for a tea break. I'm touched.

I want to do anything besides studying ;)

A burst of emotion at the very end of the semester

bernice_simin@yahoo.com.sg — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 03:38:20 GMT

After about 3 years of not really living at home, I've been feeling the awkwardness, irritation and tension of staying at home. Going to Amsterdam especially, has shown me greener pastures. These include very importantly, the independence and freedom of having no parents by my side. No one to nag at me or expect me to fulfil family commitments. The Chinese equivalent sums it up in 4 words: 我行我素. And for once, I'm not willing to buckle down and change myself to adapt to this stifling environment, where every movement and phone call is questioned. For now, I will work towards detaching myself from this place and perhaps moving away for work/school. I've been holding myself back e.g. stopping myself from thinking of going overseas to find a job, because my ageing parents are always on my mind. Yes there's still my sis who's not married and who might take care of them, but I just felt this nagging guilt that I've not done my part. But now, I'm not going to give a damn. Home is now only a place for me to sleep and do my work. Don't misunderstand, it's not that there's no love given. Care and concern are given pretty abundantly but expressed in a stifling way (to me). Their good intentions are appreciated but I can't stand them.

Back to doing work now.

A wonderful birthday celebration with Dear

bernice_simin@yahoo.com.sg — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 05:43:51 GMT

Libra - October 1, 2009

You may find it difficult to take action on any sort of practical matter today, dear Libra. If you find that this is the situation, don't even bother pressuring yourself into making it happen. Today you are more concerned with the fanciful side of life. Daydreams - both physical and mental - can be a wonderful escape for you today. Do something that will take you out of your current frame of mind. Go see a movie or a play this evening.

Every time I look at my horoscope for the day before, it just seems to fit the day's happenings to a T.

Yesterday (1st oct), I had a blissful day out with Dear. On the day before (30th Sept), I was having so many negative thoughts about our relationship, which I didn't want to take action on because it'd spoil the bdae celebration. And yesterday, I managed to clear the air with Dear about what I felt so it was a great ending to the day. This part suits the 1st 2 sentences of the horoscope.

For the rest of the horoscope besides the last sentence, my day happened just that way :) We went to the Mint Museum of Toys on Seah Street first. It was 5 stories with exhibits on different themes on different stories. I especially liked the exhibits on Popeye and his memorabilia and Snow White and the Seven Dwarves because those were almost the only things I could relate to. The other exhibits were from our parents' and grandparents' generations and were priced at 4 figures (USD). This got me wondering if I can put my toys in a museum in future, since I still have some toys in my house haha :)

After that we headed to the Singapore Flyer. This was in the plan because from now till December, there's a $10 promotion for students which is 1/3 of the original price! Though it was slightly cloudy and hazy and the Marina Sands incomplete project was spoiling the view, the view was gorgeous. I guess the Flyer is good for literally showing Singapore at a glimpse. The bad thing is that it's really super builtup and I could hardly see any patches of green :( Well Singapore is not known for its nature anyway. And another feeling that I had was that what goes around comes around. I was very excited about the view up till the point where the Flyer reaches its highest altitude at 165m (don't bother hiking up bukit timah hill, just pay $10 and u'll reach 165 m in 15min with no mosquito bites). After that, as we came down, I was sitting down and taking pictures of Dear and me and not of the view any more haha. Thankfully, the day was planned well and there were no lack of enjoyable things to do. We lunched at the Flyer's Popeye's Chicken and Biscuits. I absolutely love the chicken and mashed potato! Beats KFC hands down! The mashed potato tastes more homely as there are spices and pepper sprinkled into it, compared to KFC's powdery mashed potato mix. And the chicken wasn't as fat as KFC's :)

After this hearty lunch, we headed to Kallang Leisure Park for ice skating! I was seriously scared because the last time I went ice skating, I ended up with blisters and boot burns on both shins. I escaped unscathed yesterday save a few aches :) I finally knew how to brake and fall and get up and also progressed to skating without holding on to anything or Dear :) I only fell 3 times! hahahahahaha. The rink was an obstacle course yesterday because there were so many kids and other people on it but I managed to skate for 2 hours without sweating much :) Such a sense of accomplishment. After skating, we thought of either bowling or playing pool and David said ECP might have both. When we went to the car to set off for ECP, we found a parking summons :( Super hardworking carpark attendant! We saw her when we first parked so we only put coupon for 1 hr. Thot she'd leave and not come back and check. Sian ah, 2 hrs later still come and check. Luckily only $20. Waste of money but not much.

Anyway we decided to go back into Leisure Park and bowl :) The bowling lane we were in gave us faults but in a good way coz I had more spares than I actually scored :) And there were bumpers available so the ball would never go into the longkang. They guided me in my aim and my game improved (101 pinfalls) :)
There was this family of 3 playing beside us and their kid also used the bumpers. The comical thing was that the ball was too heavy for the kid and he just basically dropped the ball at the beginning of the lane and watched it roll down the lane. He even managed to get 8 pinfalls once! I was laughing quite hard coz he was so cute :)

Lastly, it was dinner time at ECP! We went to the Playground@BigSplash area which is newly rejuvenated. There were a number of eateries and we chose Yoshimaru. It's a Japanese Ramen Bar, similar to Ajisen in the food they serve but different in ambience and service. I had the DIY Hakata Ramen while David had the Pork Shabu Shabu Ramen. Both were yummy! The soup was very rich and porky-tasting while the noodles were sliced thinly so was not too gelat. Here are the pictures (which can't upload at the moment). The sesame seeds in the bowl with mortar acts as a seasoning for our noodles.

After dinner, we went to the beach for a chat and David gave me my present. (I had already given him his present earlier: 2 Domokun, 1 small, 1 big. + a handphone pouch) His gift to me was super thoughtful: a Perlini's bracelet with 3 hearts hanging off it symbolising "I love you" and our relationship. (What we talked about is private though.) It was a wonderful atmosphere with the waves crashing against the sand and a light breeze blowing and few people around us. I couldn't have asked for a better birthday celebration!

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Libra - October 2, 2009

Whether you willingly partake or not, you will most certainly play a key role in the action that is taking place, dear Libra. There will be times when you feel like the pivotal player whose decision or physical movement will decide the fate of the entire game. This is a time when you must close your eyes, take a deep breath, and find the answer from your heart. Don't look to others for support because they will have their own agendas and biases about what you should do. Only you know what is best.

Sometimes this is what I feel. I want to shut out all other opinions and just listen to what I want first. But sometimes it's not the best :)

Updates & thoughts on this sem

bernice_simin@yahoo.com.sg — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 15:03:28 GMT

Under autocratic rule in FYP -- lost the right to speak up or think, feeling of continuously being underwater due to unfamiliar topic and complicated readings to read
Flooded with readings & presentations -- just seems more this sem, I don't know why.
Getting used to the traveling, which is usually productive reading if I get enough sleep the night b4.
Attended 2 recruitment talks, which have made me more decisive about what I want and don't want to do about my life in future
Trying to squeeze on the shuttle bus to Pioneer -- I think I've leveled up :)
Beginning to see the true colours of some of my coursemates and getting to know some of them better
Having a 4 day week is sth I really appreciate coz I get to sleep just that bit better on Tuesday nights :)
Taking Korean 2 now is increasing my standard. Hope to be more proficient :)

Can't think of much right now.

feeling oddly reflective

bernice_simin@yahoo.com.sg — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 07:53:06 GMT

After blog surfing today, I feel oddly reflective and sad. I guess it so happens that this is convocation period. 1 yr from now, I'll probably be attending convocation and working or looking for a job. It'll probably be difficult and odd to leave this 15-yr-long life of schooling, step into work clothes and deal with work everyday. First thing, I don't even know line I want to go into. How do some people know?

Soon we'll lose this convenient identity of student and become a working adult where we have to put the name of our occupation on forms and file tax blah blah. On top of that, we have to start providing for ourselves and our families, take care of ourselves and our parents and maybe even start our own families. No one is going to hold our hand, there'll be no syllabus, no exams, basically unchartered territory.

I suppose I'm thinking too much at this point haha since I have time on my hands when I'm at work. But I really really would like to know what job on earth I want to do!!

1 more question I want to ask myself is why did I do such a useless "internship"? Haha. I guess work experience is impt now? Bah a whole lot of disconnected thoughts.

bernice_simin@yahoo.com.sg — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 10:01:51 GMT

I'm certain I will never look for an admin job again. It's totally full of shit. And I'm bored out of my mind.

When can I find a job that I really will enjoy most of the time? Ah really frustrated at the moment!

Article by Tim Harford -- Is the credit crunch suitable for children?

bernice_simin@yahoo.com.sg — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 07:38:39 GMT

http://timharford.com/articles/deareconomist/

Dear Economist,
My young son came home from school and asked me: “Mummy, what’s a credit crunch?” How can I explain this to a five-year-old?
Ms LG, London

Dear Ms LG,

Once upon a time, there was a blameless girl called Consumerella, who didn’t have enough money to buy all the lovely things she wanted. She went to her Fairy Godmother, who called a man called Rumpelstiltskin who lived on Wall Street and claimed to be able to spin straw into gold. Rumpelstiltskin sent the Fairy Godmother the recipe for this magic spell. It was written in tiny, tiny writing, so she did not read it but hoped the Sorcerers’ Exchange Commission had checked it.

The Fairy Godmother carried away armfuls of glistening straw-derivative at a bargain price. Emboldened by the deal, she lent Consumerella – who had a big party to go to – 125 per cent of the money she needed. Consumerella bought a bling-bedizened gown, a palace and a Mercedes – and spent the rest on champagne. The first payment was due at midnight.

At midnight, Consumerella missed the first payment on her loan. (The result of overindulgence, although some blamed the pronouncements of the Toastmaster, a man called Peston.) Consumerella’s credit rating turned into a pumpkin and Rumpelstiltskin’s spell was broken. He and the Fairy Godmother discovered that their vaults were not full of gold, but ordinary straw.

All seemed lost until Santa Claus and his helpers, men with implausible fairy-tale names such as Darling and Bernanke, began handing out presents. It was only in January that Consumerella’s credit card statement arrived and she discovered that Santa Claus had paid for the gifts by taking out a loan in her name. They all lived miserably ever after. The End.

I love his tongue-in-cheek humour, which my current favourite author, Bill Bryson, also possesses :)

Article by Tim Harford -- How do I calculate an appropriate salary?

bernice_simin@yahoo.com.sg — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 07:25:57 GMT

http://timharford.com/articles/deareconomist/

I have worked full time for six years and presently earn £40K. I am also about to attain chartered engineer status, which sounds good. However, I stumbled on an old letter the other day that confirmed my admission into nursery aged four, 29 years ago! Looking back at all the money invested in my more than 20 years of formal education, I feel short-changed by my income and quality of life.

Do you know how I can calculate a “fair” figure that will reflect my master’s degree and international experience? I want to use this as the minimum salary for my next job.
G

Dear G,

I’m not going to attempt to calculate your “fair” figure: it would do you no good. Employers care very little about what salary would be a fair reward for your background; instead, they want the best possible people for the lowest possible cost. Competition from other employers typically leads them to compromise on both counts.

Your fair figure might eat away still further at your fading happiness. It seems that you were satisfied until you reflected on your education and inflated your aspirations. This is sad but typical, if the economist Andrew Oswald is to be believed.

Oswald has compared people’s circumstances with their happiness. He finds that, other things being equal, happiness rises with money, good health and a successful marriage, but falls as a person’s “expected income” rises. Expected income is the income that another person of the same age, sex and education level would typically earn. In other words, more educated people have richer peers and so tend to be less satisfied.

What is especially sad is that your income would comfortably put you in the richest 10 per cent of UK citizens, who are themselves relatively rich. As for being short-changed, I doubt that you personally paid for your nursery education. Put away your admission letter, and forget about it.

Hah! I like the last sentence :)

Horoscope for Rabbit 17 Jul :)

bernice_simin@yahoo.com.sg — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 09:18:43 GMT

Your progress and sense of satisfaction are high, and you'll make great strides at work and with friends. The gentle energy of the Pig leaves you feeling renewed. It may seem as if many people are eager to be in your company. Love and major commitments are likely to commence effortlessly. Your gregarious social life may also keep you quite busy, so make sure to keep a few hours open for any party invitations you may receive.

My wonderful Internet at home is down so I haven't been online at all! I think my Pet Society pet is dead haha :) Luckily darling is in reservice right now otherwise I'll be quite sad without MSN :(

bernice_simin@yahoo.com.sg — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 13:58:09 GMT

Today is so bloody hot that I can just stand there and the sweat will roll off me. This made me think of the weather in Laos.

Well, I just felt like reflecting on Laos. I didn't when I came back last year. I miss the simple life that we led there. It may seem like they're doing nothing much in Singaporean terms, but it makes me feel much more content with the world. They wake up, make breakfast of rice and yesterday's dishes / new dishes, go to work on the farm/school, come back, weave and make dinner, eat dinner together and watch tv, then go to bed. That's all they do everyday. They don't have to go to the cinema, meet up at malls, have fancy dinners at fancy restaurants or engage in meaningless rat races. Yes, that may be why they're so-called less-developed, but so what? Their standard of living in terms of happiness is so much higher than ours. Being the economist, I can't help inserting the term "opportunity cost". Something has to give. We kind of complement each other because we have what the other country doesn't. Singapore has all it wants in material terms, but are we truly happy? In our struggle to remain competitive, I'm quite sure many of us yearn for a simpler/happier life, because at the end of it all, life isn't about grades or numbers or wonderful statistics. And I feel the Laotians have a very happy simple life, though they might have their worries that I didn't observe.

And by moving the bricks manually, one by one, humbled me. The primary school had no crane which can just haul all the bricks in one load, so we had to form a human chain from the 1st to the 2nd floor just to move the 1000 bricks up to the room which was meant for the library. It is a place where things don't move at the click of the finger, where you can feel the kampung feeling (e.g. a drinks stall outside the school erected just with canvas) And the guys had to devise some kind of pulley system to shift the cement up to the 2nd storey because it was just too heavy to lug it. And after recalling all that, there is still one more thing that humbled me or I guess all of us. We were trying to construct a 1.5m long pavement from their school canteen to the stairs which will lead to the 2nd floor. It took us an afternoon. First we had to collect numerous buckets of pebbles from their field and throw it on the ground where we constructed the pavement. Then we had to stir the cement with alot of water and our strength to make it of a certain thickness. Because the shovels were so heavy and because we kept getting stuck in the cement with our boots, we took a bloody long time. The construction workers were there to help us but we felt we were delaying them haha. Lastly, we had to shovel those lumps of wet cement onto the pebbles until the pebbles were covered completely, then make the pavement even. We were all sweating lumps after that but happy :) Looking back, I don't think I did our work justice with my words haha. But it'll be a humbling memory.

We came out of the villagers' homes one night and looked up at the starry sky. It was so beautiful. There were no streetlights, only our flashlights or the occasional vehicle headlights. I felt so insignificant underneath all that but awestruck at the beauty. In Singapore, all you can see is high-rise, high-rise, more development and construction. But at that moment, time just passed by slowly.

I don't know how to continue without sounding weepy/mushy. There have been many thoughts about many things, but I can't seem to relax and put it all down. We'll see ok? :)

very apt horoscopes :) sorry i have limited vocab :)

bernice_simin@yahoo.com.sg — Tue, 26 May 2009 11:13:45 GMT

Libra - May 26, 2009

If you're angry about something, find the best way to communicate it, dear Libra, without hurting someone. While anger is a healthy emotion that signals you when something isn't right for you, how you express it makes all the difference in the outcome of any situation. There is considerable skill in effective communicating. It's not just words but also tone of voice, facial expression, and body language. If you're unfamiliar with an "I statement," you may want to read some books on the subject to help you express yourself in a better way.

Libra - May 27, 2009

You are likely to enjoy the day ahead, dear Libra. You have been changing so much lately that you were in need of a brief reassurance such as today will bring. You may have feared losing yourself to some extent, or losing your friends. You may have been afraid that your partner would no longer be able to understand you. But today, you are glowing, full of hope for tomorrow. How could anyone resist loving your bright spirit?

I certainly hope so...

bernice_simin@yahoo.com.sg — Sat, 09 May 2009 17:20:08 GMT

Libra - May 10, 2009

This isn't the moment to adhere to one particular philosophy, whatever it may be, dear Libra. You may feel frustrated by your inability to figure out which path to take, but ultimately this is very good for you. Continue to search around with your little flashlight, weak as it seems to you, because this is how you are going to get solid faith back again! Best of all, it will be a faith tailored just for you!

Concentration Is the Key By Tamim Ansary

bernice_simin@yahoo.com.sg — Sun, 26 Apr 2009 08:26:01 GMT

These days, many people take pride in the ability to multitask, but me? I'd just like to master mono-tasking. I realize that everything I've done well in my life I've done in a state of intense concentration -- a state of such focus on one task that no other information or concern can break in. My only question has been, and remains, how to get into that zone. R.N. Whitehead, director of a Canadian tutoring program called Oxford Learning Centres, speculates that concentration is an ability like any other. People are born with a propensity for it but the skill must then be developed, and the process begins in childhood. Until recent decades, Whitehead says, people learned to read from books that had relatively few pictures and were written in "natural language," which presented readers with lots of vocabulary they didn't necessarily know. Reading those books demanded -- but also built -- concentration. Today, books for beginning readers tend to have lots of pictures and only a few words, and those words are carefully selected to be reading-level appropriate so that children rarely encounter words they must puzzle out from context. If the material is well sequenced, children emerge into reading naturally without palpable effort, almost without noticing: That's the theory.

The theory works. Kids do learn to read from carefully calibrated materials such as these, but building up the power of concentration? That's a different issue. Many elements of modern life may actually erode concentration by involving children in short bursts of interaction that return quick rewards. Take video games, for example. What they have to give, you can get in five seconds -- bang! pow! hey, that felt good! -- and if you play for 10 seconds, you get the same thing twice (and for 30 seconds, six times). Playing a video game for hours on end (not uncommon -- been there/done that) resembles concentration but is actually, in my opinion, the exact opposite; it is to concentration as antimatter is to matter. By contrast, reading or telling stories to very young children may help build concentration by involving them in a narrative that takes shape over time and offers a payoff only if they've stayed with the story throughout.

Concentration -- why bother?

Concentration is worth building because it is a foundational skill; it supports almost everything else one might do. In that way it's like intelligence. In fact, definitions of intelligence often include concentration as a component. Anecdotes about famous achievers of history suggest that one thing they shared was a phenomenal ability to get fully immersed in … something. Michelangelo spent two years on his back, two feet from the ceiling, painting the Sistine Chapel. I myself would have spent most of that time idly wondering whether to have pizza that night or soup. In fact, according to the stories, only the pope could break the great artist's concentration. He kept coming in to ask, "How's it going?" Finally Michelangelo "accidentally" dropped a hammer that landed too close for comfort, and the pope stayed away after that. Most of the advice aimed at students about how to concentrate amounts to Michelangelo's hammer: eliminate distractions, they say. For example, turn off the TV (duh), turn off the stereo (duh) and power down the iPod (you think?). It's all true, but it's purely external advice. It addresses the place where you concentrate, not the "you" who concentrates.

Advice about the inner you mostly boils down to health tips masquerading as concentration tips: • You can't concentrate when you're drowsy, so get enough sleep.
• You can't concentrate when you're groggy, so don't sleep too much.
• You can't concentrate when you're starving, so eat right.
• You can't concentrate when you're bloated, so don't overeat.
• And get some exercise, for heaven's sake! You can't concentrate if -- I'll stop there. It's worthy advice, but generic. The same tips apply to almost anything you might want to do better. Want to ace a test? Memorize the "Iliad"? Learn juggling tricks? Eat right, exercise well, get enough sleep. Yes, Mom. There's got to be more. People with phenomenal powers of concentration reveal it most dramatically when the context doesn't favor them. I'm thinking of a chef I knew years ago when I worked in a gourmet restaurant as a waiter. The dining room at that place was always whisper quiet, the kitchen always a madhouse. One night, I stepped into that chaos -- the ice machine had broken, a fight had erupted between two sous-chefs, someone was waving a knife -- and there was June, calmly stirring a sauce. Suddenly a pot of something caught fire. Pandemonium ensued; everybody rushed to douse the flames, but June never took her eyes off her sauce -- it wasn't her pot on fire. Later I asked if she had noticed the fire. She had. How then could she just ignore it? "I was making hollandaise," she said. "You have to watch it or it breaks." That, my friends, is concentration on the hoof: It's not the ability to focus in the absence of distraction, but the ability to focus in spite of distraction.

Attention surplus condition

Our society has put little effort into devising techniques for building attentiveness. We get interested in concentration mostly when its absence rises to the level of a clinical syndrome. A whole industry has developed, for example, around the disability known as attention deficit disorder, or ADD. I don't doubt that ADD exists, nor that it merits clinical consideration, nor that suitable treatments may help restore people who suffer from this disability to a normal state. I only wonder if "normal" is as good as it gets. How about moving from normal to extraordinary? According to psychologist Richard Davidson, "Attention can be trained, and in a way that is not fundamentally different [from] how physical exercise changes the body." He zeroes in specifically on meditation, that body of techniques perfected in East Asia for achieving attentive calm. Research by Davidson and his associates at the University of Wisconsin seems to prove that meditation can, in fact, improve one's ability to shut out distraction.

In one experiment, people were taught certain basic meditation techniques and then asked to meditate while hooked up to machines that scanned what their brains were doing. In people who attained a deep, meditative state, it turned out, the area of the brain known to be associated with attention became active while other areas -- those associated with emotion, for example, or with processing external stimuli -- went dormant. Researchers then hooked brain-scanning equipment to two groups of test subjects: seasoned meditators with thousands of hours of experience and novices. With each group, when the meditators seemed to be fully immersed, the researchers set off various distractions nearby -- a blaring TV, a crying baby, a gunshot, stuff like that. In the novices, each event triggered brain waves that spread to other parts of their brains and did not die away for a long time. In the experienced meditators, each event set off a brief burst of brain activity in one limited area and then the brain went back to its former state: In short, the input was noticed, registered and set aside.

That looks like dead-bang proof that meditation enhances a person's underlying ability to concentrate. Of course it's also true that meditation classically aims to detach meditators from the world and get them concentrating essentially on nothing. I, personally, would rather concentrate on something. I don't want to detach from the world, I want to stay in it and get something done. I don't know of any definitive proof that the power of concentration developed by meditation can be applied, for example, to flying a plane through a thunderstorm. But the broader point seems indisputable: Concentration is a skill. If it isn't used, it can atrophy; if it isn't trained, it fails to develop past a certain point. But by the same token, with the proper training and practice, it can be developed to a level of fearsome intensity. Preferably, this begins in childhood (which is where parents and other elders come in) but it's never too late. Adults with normal powers of concentration can strengthen those powers with simple exercises such as the following: • Count backward from 100 slowly and steadily.
• Count backward from 100 by threes.
• Simply look at an object for a set period -- say, 15 minutes.
• Building on the previous exercise, remove the object and picture it for that same period. And if the buzz of distracting thoughts grows intolerable, stop what you're doing, make a list of everything on your mind at that moment, choose one thing to focus on, and then schedule a time to deal with all the rest. Giving your anxieties appointments, I find, tends to make them stop petitioning for attention now. In short, I stand with those Zen masters who, when asked how they achieved enlightenment, answered, "When I walk, I just walk. When I eat, I just eat."

after the exams

bernice_simin@yahoo.com.sg — Sat, 25 Apr 2009 12:54:26 GMT

Libra - April 25, 2009

Certain matters may seem a little cloudy from your vantage point today, dear Libra, but this is no reason to be blue. It could be that adjustments must be made before you are able to relate to others on a smooth basis. Take this opportunity to tune out for a while and to get a change of perspective. It could be a lot of fun to just stay close to home and fall asleep on the couch while watching a good movie.

Quite accurate, today's horoscope! I'm pretty restless after my exams coz I don't feel like going home, nor do I wanna stay in hall. I know I didn't do well for my last paper so I'm kind of punching myself mentally though it's useless now. Haha shall follow my horoscope though I have no couch :)

Thank you Susan Boyle for your uplifting singing

bernice_simin@yahoo.com.sg — Sun, 19 Apr 2009 18:15:25 GMT

As I sit enraptured by Susan Boyle for the 3rd time, I must share the link and the privilege of listening to her sing with you all, if you haven't yet heard of her. Thanks KX for sharing this with me :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY&feature=related

Her video has already garnered 30 million views since 11 April! She sounds way better than the CD I have of Les Miserables. I first heard the song she sang "I dreamed a dream" when I was in Primary 4 coz my sis has the CD. I listened to the whole CD every day and to me the songs were just wonderful pieces of music. Susan made it different, she made the song inspiring, she was inspiring, she made me cry. Amanda the judge was right. ("we were very cynical and that was a big wake up call.") Don't judge a book by its cover, don't.

thoughts

bernice_simin@yahoo.com.sg — Sat, 18 Apr 2009 09:16:02 GMT

Libra - April 18, 2009

Make some plans for recreation, dear Libra. Giving yourself something fun to look forward to can make even the toughest of times far easier to handle. You'll find it amazing how much you can manage when there's an end in sight. Your entire attitude can lighten, so take the bull by the horns, and create an incentive for yourself. Do something special to reward the hard work you do day after day.

Hmm nice to read the above during exam period :) 2 exams more! I'm writing this now coz I can't concentrate in the heat. My room feels like a sauna and the library closes at 7 so I got to stay here :(

This semester has whooshed past, more so coz I only had 11 weeks of sem. I don't know how I'll fare in my exams but I will not use coming back late as an excuse. I can't do things the same way and expect different results. That's unrealistic.

All this sem, I've been reflecting on Amsterdam, like what I liked there and what I could have done to make it a better exchange. Firstly, the positive things: cooking, living away from my parents (I missed them of course but the opportunity to stay away from home is invaluable), traveling, the cold and shopping.

Cooking just made me have something recreational to do besides studying, chatting on msn and sleeping. And of course it was something new :) I miss cooking now but in hall, I'd need to buy my own pots and pans (ah, so troublesome!).
Traveling was fun coz it was with friends who wanted to go sightseeing and not clubbing. Also we got to take cheap flights and train rides all around Western Europe, taste different foods, do different things, see different sights (though the churches and museums seemed the same after a while) and take a whole lot of photos when the weather permitted :)
The cold was nice because it's something Singapore never will have, even in shopping malls. I got the chance to layer my clothes and leave my hair long hehe.
Shopping at summer sales there was great! Everything was pretty cheap so it was nice.

Secondly, the not so positive things: studying my cores there, being Asian, not making any Dutch friends, the lousy cafeteria food, the lack of cheap food, the constant drizzle and gloomy skies (coz it was winter). Hmm alr more negative things than positive things.

Studying my cores there were very challenging coz Uni of Amsterdam is a very econometrics/Maths based university. Moreover, I was taking final year subjects there so even worse. I blame it on myself not doing enough research before I went. But I compared their papers with NTU's and NTU's was more complicated! Haha so instead I should be glad I took them there. Dunno la. Studying at the UvA was also weird coz of a different system. It was pretty stressful coz of only 7 weeks of lectures and exams then another 7 weeks of lectures before exams. No break in between like in Singapore.
Being Asian in a whole pool of blue eyed blondes can be daunting. Of course, there're many Asians in Amsterdam and a handful in UvA, but I just felt VERY out of place. And when I feel inadequate, I just clam up as a defense mechanism kind of thing. Very bad habit. I'm glad to say I made European and Asian friends who were on exchange but being more outgoing would have been a nice change. The weird thing is I don't have Dutch friends. I only knew 3 Dutch people, who were my orientation group leaders and my Resident Assistant. But they're always busy and not in Econs so pretty hard to keep in contact.
To me, environment is very important. So the food, weather and people matter to me. The cafeteria food in my uni was very limited. It was edible but after a while, it's like huh? They only had bread, sandwiches, soup, beverages and salad. Are we birds? Sometimes there's hot food but it usually doesn't look filling. So my highlight of the day would be to go home and cook either lunch or dinner or both :) And the lack of cheap food made going out to eat very expensive, so also made me go home and cook hehe. The weather sucked because we could hardly see the sun. I just couldn't get used to it :( But when the sun comes out, it's the best thing coz the sky is cloudless and blue, with no heat and everyone's on the pavement cafes drinking.
One more thing: I felt like I couldn't call back often because I share an open apartment with another girl, who always was studying. I don't blame her for studying coz I know her workload is MAD, just that I felt caged. Everything I did, everywhere I went except the shopping street, it felt like a library. I guess people are either at home or in school or something. It's so quiet and I lived in the city! Back to the calling back home: I needed Skype so it's impossible to drag my laptop out the door and talk in the corridor. Moreover, the corridor is COLD so I'd have to put on a jacket just to go outside my door. Oh well, I should have just called back la since my roomie actually didn't mind me talking! But I just felt bad to disturb her coz I'm on exchange and she's doing her Masters.

Wow, longest post in a long time. I'm glad to get these things out of my head. It doesn't seem so bad but it really did in my head and in Amsterdam. Yay back to studying, with a clearer head!

random stuff

bernice_simin@yahoo.com.sg — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 17:02:58 GMT

Today I confirmed one thing: It's getting harder to express myself. I don't know why haha. I was writing for my exam today then I realised that I couldn't even write what I wanted to say. And because of this difficulty in expressing myself, I guess my thoughts also don't come out coherently hehe.

I felt more carefree today doing the exam than when I did exams in Amsterdam. How come my exchange turned out like that? Oh well, 2 down, 3 to go :) will dwell on shitty things later.

1 positive thing for 4 Apr 2009

bernice_simin@yahoo.com.sg — Sat, 04 Apr 2009 09:26:19 GMT

How apt :)

Libra - April 4, 2009

Don't worry about not being on the right path, dear Libra, because you are. You seem to be always in the right place at the right time and there is no need to feel regret or shame about things that have happened in the past. Turn negative experiences into lessons for a better future. Even though you may not be able to change a certain situation, you can at least change your reaction to the situation.

and a precious message from darling:
When the world says, "Give up,"
Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."

Music -- my solace.

bernice_simin@yahoo.com.sg — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 16:52:41 GMT

When nothing else works, music does its wonders :)

Mood swings -- am I still in puberty? Maybe I am, judging from my pimples and increased appetite.

bernice_simin@yahoo.com.sg — Sun, 08 Mar 2009 04:38:28 GMT

This week I've been experiencing mood swings, which I haven't had for some time. I didn't realise it until last night. I'm really sorry darling, for pissing you off last night. That sucked. I guess I took the things you said the wrong way and went too far. I don't really know why I'm moody, possibly due to the deaths on campus plus the gradual looming of exams plus not sleeping well the past week. I dreamt last night that SG was having war aiyo~

Somehow, yesterday, your comment about "how I shouldn't think about how people think; just do your stuff" made me think. [Sorry about all the thinking, I can't stop my brain from doing that. In fact, I'm glad my brain is moving; It's been pretty dead during my exchange period :( ] Well you seem to apply this principle to our relationship as well as studies. I can see how it can be applied to studies coz that's what I've been doing. But for a relationship, doesn't it have to be 2 ways? And you're important to me, that's why ur opinion (of me/other issues) matters. How could it not?!! I hope you're not implying that my opinion of anything doesn't matter to you, coz that's what it sounds like to me. Please don't take any offence at my comments.

I know you're stuck on your FYP and also stressed for your 3 modules and you mentioned that time is not on your side. I guess the only way out is to just stick the semester out. You're graduating at the end of the year, isn't that cool (that's what I think la)! No matter what, I believe in you. I can't help you with your work coz I don't understand a thing. I hope my support and being around helps, no matter how little. I love you baby, if you only knew how much.

While doing research for my Environmental Economics project...

bernice_simin@yahoo.com.sg — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 09:33:00 GMT

Forget I Ever Knew You

bernice_simin@yahoo.com.sg — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 16:36:56 GMT

I dedicate this song to all the people I wish I never knew before. Listen good, people.

I lie awake while the rest of the world sleeps happily
I'm tossing and turning in the dark
I try to make some sense of the mess that calls itself my life
Just wish I knew where I should start

I'd go back in time if I could
Erase you from my mind for good
I get so tired of trying
Maybe I should just...

Walk away let my heart pretend
The dreams come true when the story ends
I get on my feet and start again
Say goodbye to all I've been through
And forget I ever knew you

I'll turn the page I've got nothing to say but I'll start writing anyway
Something that gets me moving on again
Stuck in this place I'm putting one foot in front of the other foot
Maybe today I'll let this be over and done

I'd make up my mind if I could
And leave this all behind me for good
I'm getting tired of trying
So maybe I should just...

Walk away let my heart pretend
The dream comes true when the story ends
I get on my feet and start again
And forget I ever knew you
I'd leave the past and rise above
I'd let you go and fall in love
With everything that I'm made of
Say goodbye to all I've been through
And forget I ever knew you

I'll start living life with no regrets
'Cause the best hasn't happened yet
I'm just fine with you out of my life

Walk away let my heart pretend
The dreams come true and the story ends
I get on my feet and start again
And forget I ever knew you
I leave the past and rise above
I let you go and fall in love
With everything that I'm made of
Say goodbye to all I've been through
And forget I ever knew you.

I will never be the same again.

bernice_simin@yahoo.com.sg — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 20:02:03 GMT

After such a long time of thinking, I finally realised that I've been fighting against some aspects of myself, and wanting to return to certain aspects of my old self and change certain parts. Is this what soul-searching is? Wow. I have never felt like I have ever done this before. It's kind of abstract, I don't even know how to explain.

I think I'm not desensitised to failing as I said in my last post. I still feel hurt when I fail at something and the worst is I feel like a totally useless person. I'm trying to change this and try to just take from the failure the lesson and not the hurt. No easy feat. Am I too idealistic? Maybe too many Japanese dramas :) I watched 1 episode of a drama about judo during dinner. Somehow, seeing that little boy get up again and again after being thrown by his opponent struck something in me. It seemed that some kind of message was trying to get thru to me. Well perhaps it has.

I have never questioned what I do for a long time now. Everything just seemed right or easy to put right. But in Amsterdam, I just felt that everything I felt and every decision I made was magnified. Perhaps starting from the fact that I live in a box, where every sound is magnified and echoed. I've of course (unwillingly) gotten used to this lack of privacy in my room since comparing it to hall, at least my roomie isn't next to me haha. I guess I expected my own room since this is supposed to be an apartment. Yup anyway, I guess I'm drifting in life. I'm still trying to figure what kind of job I want to look for and work towards. Amsterdam hasn't given me any answers. Now with the economy like that, banks are hiring less and giving away even fewer internships. And besides that, my academic background doesn't seem to fit me anywhere else. I also don't know what I want to do. I don't like being like that leh. I used to have a sense of direction. Perhaps this is life's way of telling me to get a life and explore other options.

I've thought of waitressing this summer or go find some kind of work in hotels or have something to do with the tourist industry. I know waitressing is entry-level and probably done by A level grads but so what? I'm overqualified? Well, I don't particularly want to sit in an office and analyse tables and charts or answer calls. Enough sitting. I think I want to do something close or related to my interests. Perhaps doing more Japanese and/or Korean lessons is 1 option. Or would I want to teach?

Ah run out of thoughts. I need to study now. Not going to FAIL again.

Exams

bernice_simin@yahoo.com.sg — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 22:07:24 GMT

I finished my 2nd paper Financial Insitiutions this afternoon. I could answer most of the questions and I know I gave some wrong answers. So I'm counting on a reasonably good pass. I'm glad it's done. It means 1 more paper to go.

Then I went for dinner with a friend who's also on exchange but different faculty. Knew her from orientation. Can't believe we talked for so long, around 4 hours! I just feel we can click on some level, since we're both Asian. She's from Yonsei, and I'll probably go to Korea for grad trip if possible :) Drank my 1st beer in Amsterdam hehe. Just a Heineken actually. Helped me with the cold weather :) I can't believe I felt I'm going to miss this place! It's weird to think that I'm going to be home this time next week! Sometimes I feel like I'm in a time warp. 5 months have passed so quickly and yet when it's only 5 more days to be on the plane, time just passes so slowly.

And after I came back, I checked UvA Blackboard. My Growth Theory lecturer is so efficient! He's graded our papers, which we only did last Friday! Well as expected, I failed. The 1st uni exam that I failed. Goodness knows how many times I failed in JC, so I'm rather desensitised now. But it's a small wake up call. I haven't been myself this whole year, thanks to many things that happened. I'm learning to cope and I'm a rather slow learner. Thankfully, I failed in Amsterdam, meaning that the most I'll get is a U on my transcript and my GPA, which is teetering on the brink of 2nd Upper and 2nd Lower, will not be affected. I must maintain my 4.0 this sem and of course the following sems. But I'll focus for this sem first. I know grades aren't everything when u look back, but it is everything when u're trying to attain it, so I'll not question what the point is for now, coz I know this sem's subs are quite relevant.

Ok rest for today then tmr start engine again. Cya soon guys!

Things I wanna eat. Feel free to suggest more!

bernice_simin@yahoo.com.sg — Sat, 17 Jan 2009 22:09:36 GMT

Oh no I'm drooling again! I wanna eat all the things photographed on Singapura Makan blog! Ok I'm making a list of the things I wanna eat.

Chicken Rice (roast chicken preferable). Hee dad said he'd bring me to eat at a stall in Simpang Bedok. He'd been looking for it since it moved from Bedok North.
Bak kut teh. Oh my dad's friend owns a bak kut teh restaurant in Joo Chiat and we always went there for bak kut teh. For this reason, I've never eaten bak kut teh from anywhere else haha. I miss the prawn omelette, yam rice, hot steaming pots of bak kut teh, veg cooked with lots of garlic though a tad oily... oh i guess there's more I can't recall now :) It's cheap and good food. 3 adults can eat there and order 3 or 4 dishes and the bill will come up to only 50 bucks.
Black pepper crabs/Chili crabs with fried buns from Long Beach or Little Red House on East Coast. Used to be a New Year thing with my whole extended family. Hope it'll resume one day :)
Tandoori chicken briyani from Canteen A which is no more :( Hmm maybe I'll go to Tampines Mart's hee.
KFC Original chicken!!! I know it's salty and fat but it's different when u're eating it haha.
Japanese food: from Sushi Tei or Ajisen ramen and I'll be happy. Shokudo bazaar at Raffles City would work too. Sashimi!! Udon, ramen, sushi, katsu don, oyako don. Ahh I wanna go back to Japan! Even the uni cafetaria food was delicious! Help!!
My favourite fried fish soup from Tampines Mall food court.