Keeping quiet
On Sunday morning, I opened my door to an overturned laundry basket at the foot of the stairs. That's how I knew, without anyone saying a word, that all was not well between my mum and dad and/or between my mum and sis. Following that, I could hear loud sounds of banging and slamming from the kitchen so for sure, my mum was not having a good day. To keep out of harm's way, I traipsed back to my room to continue watching my drama. Hearing the sounds of Mum hanging the clothes (and bamboo poles crashing onto the ground) at the balcony, I went down to help her. I stupidly asked her to stop frowning since that would make her feel more irritable and hot and slow downher hanging of clothes in a way. She asked me to shut up, I said I'm just helping, she said she didn't ask me (or anyone else for that matter) to help, so go away. Something rooted me to the ground, unable to go back to my room, only able to continue to help in silence. This was good in a way as I didn't actually want to have words with her. The same old happened, she went to her room after that to sleep with the door closed, no cooking, everyone's mood was as black as tar and I couldn't stand it so I asked Vic out to CARC to watch VCDs.
Yesterday (Thurs), the ice thawed and started to melt, which was good to know. Once again, I found myself helping to hang the clothes. I had helped to load the clothes from the washing machine to the basins, which I would use to bring clothes to the balcony. Turns out that my mum would have preferred to load the clothes herself, as she has her system where she places the clothes in the basins so she doesn't have to search hard for them while hanging. To her eyes, I kind of just dumped them haphazardly in the basins. I was incensed, yet the same thing that rooted me to the ground on Sunday withheld the words that were about to pour forth from my lips. At the same time I was incensed, perhaps a deeper realisation was that I was more of a hindrance than a help, which made me squirm. Perhaps that is what held my tongue. Anyway, she wasn't really angry like she was on Sunday, just commenting that she'll load the basins herself in future.
At work these days, I have realised that, whether through others' (little) actions or words, I might also be more of a hindrance/nuisance than a help/someone who adds any kind of value. E.g., Zhi Xiong has changed since that time we had b/f together; he's become more distant (not only on Gtalk but at lunch yesterday too). That day, Taffy commented that I'm still the lunch coordinator. And just this morning, Hui Fang said she's a tad busy now so she'll comment on her reason for liking k-dramas later and asked me to think of the lunch venue for later. Justin also asked me what the lunch venue is. I don't know whether it's because I'm just feeling generally down because of withdrawal from TMETS or whatever reason, but all these things just added up and I can't seem to convince myself that these are probably too trivial for me to keep brooding on. I just hate the fact through no fault (?) of my own, I've become some kind of lunch coordinator (I do not think it's demeaning, just that it's as if people only see me as that and as someone who's very free coz I keep "bothering" them on Gtalk).
Also, yesterday I met with Penny and Satwinder to seek inputs for the survey to airlines. I think I wasn't in the best condition yesterday to receive so much info or organise the info so that it was a more meaningful discussion. I learnt a few things of course, but not so much for the purposes of the airline survey. So I went to update CK. She was ok with them not having any concrete inputs but I wasn't sure if I detected any negative undercurrents when she talked about Penny (or ANS?). I'm not here to deal with the politics between you and your colleagues, I'm just here to do the work that's given. So I wasn't very happy about it, though I was kind of neutral about not getting any inputs from Penny. And since I was not happy, I gave the whole matter some thought, and I went in to ask Cher Keng about the fundamental reason for the survey to airlines because I wanted to confirm my assumptions. She said it's to hear feedback from the other major airport users like the airlines and ground handlers. So I asked her if it was her intention to even consider including airlines into the future service regulation framework or in the fundamental review for service regulation. She sounded kind of exasperated and was like "Simin, don't tell me until now you still don't know what we're going to do for the fundamental review? It's FUNDAMENTAL review right? If it's just focused on the current framework, then it's just a REFINEMENT." In my mind, I was like "Don't lecture me on my English. I'm not an idiot. I'm just confirming my assumptions, since you don't like people to assume." In addition, I don't think the developments have been adding up as I haven't been keeping up with what's done for service regulation since Taffy's the one kind of put in charge now. Or perhaps I haven't been using my brain. Anyway, I just felt like a piece of mud when I came out of her room. Nothing has changed since 2 years ago. The only way to improve my work quality is to read the files. There doesn't to be any need to even talk to her. I FINALLY get it. Now I'll just read the files and also ensure filing on the Z drive and KMS is as complete as I can do. No promotion, never mind. I'm just a yes-dog to you, can't have a 2nd opinion since you've already set your mind on something.
numb